Telepathic lobbyist

This morning I decided that there’s no future in Computer Science, and I’m going to go into business for myself. I’ve decided to become a lobbyist.

For a long time I’ve kept my telepathic powers secret, but today I’m coming out of the closet. I will use my long-distance mind-control powers turn the levers of government in favor of my clients. There will be a hefty fee of course, but nothing compared to what those other lobbyists cost. They have to spend lots of money actually meeting with politicians. My way is much more cost-effective.

I understand that some of you may be skeptical of my powers, so I’ve carried out a small demonstration. Without leaving the comfort of my office, I have telepathically persuaded Sen. James Inhofe to oppose cap-and-trade. I have also gotten Rep. Ron Paul to support a return to the gold standard. Furthermore, unlike many lobbyists, my influence is not limited to one party. I have telepathically induced President Obama to favor heavy interference in the financial industry and oppose tax cuts for the wealthy, and I’ve induced Rep. Dennis Kucinich to oppose space-based mind control weapons (I can’t have the competition, you know).

Attention all special interests! Now that you can see my powers, I’m sure that you will want to retain my services immediately.

No? Why on earth not? I am at least as effective as that lobbyist mentioned in that New York Times article who got John Boehner to oppose cap-and-trade and various tax increases and price controls!

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